Snow White and the Seven Pimps
by BroadwayStar77
Summary: The revamped version that inspired them all. Much thanks to Alyssa and to all the readersreviewers who loved the orignal. Complete


**Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Parody**

_Disclaimer :_ We (Alyssa and Shannon) do not own any Disney characters , nor do we claim to own any restaurant, TV show, board game, or anything otherwise mentioned in this story. We only claim to own the comments made in ( ), which are in fact Alyssa's train of thought as I rambled on while typing and the character Fillmore, because we made him up, therefore, we own him.

_A/N -_ Some of you might recall a similar story we wrote which bore the same title and was unfortunately deleted. However, we have revamped the original and tweaked it so it is now appropriate for FanFiction standards. Nothing has been changed except names and therefore, the hilarity has nor diminished one iota. We do hope you'll enjoy.

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, I think it was last Tuesday, there was a very "ill" Queen. She had it going on. Oh yeah, she was "sick", too. Anyway, the King knocked her up one day, (I mean really! She said she didn't want any kids, but he had to go and tell her he was sterile.) She figured if she was going to have this kid, she was going to have to set standards. This kid was going to be as pretty as any Pretty Pretty Princess, her hair was going to be as black as ebony, her skin was going to be as white as cheap parchment paper, and her lips were going to be as red as the reddest red in all the land.

So, the Queen dies in childbirth and the "sterile" King forgot all about the kid and went out to get a new Queen ASAP because he was so freakin' horny. Now this new Queen was one mean poopie and pretty weird, too. She spent most of her time talking to some guy she was convinced lived in her mirror.

One day during the King and Queen's coughwildgamescough, they took their Rapunzel fantasy a little too far, and the King fell out the window to his death. (He couldn't have gone down the fire escape? Honestly...) The Queen shrugged her shoulders and went to talk to her mirror dude when she noticed a neglected baby sitting in a crib with no name. Since the King and his first Queen had never named her or taken much care of her, the new Queen decided to adopt her and name her Snow White. "After all, every maid needs a name you can call them by," thought the Queen as she threw the baby from the crib and tossed her a broom.

_...Drastic Fast Forward..._

11 years later, Snow White was cleaning a well, probably to avoid her vain and sadistic "mother". Frankly, the old woman scared her by chanting in front of her lifeless mirror for hours. Occasionally to life her spirits, Snow White sang while she worked by the well. (Well, today is your lucky day, folks, because it just happened to be one of those days when Snow White sang!) She vocalized about a husband who would lover and cherish her while spoiling her rotten. All the birdies flew around her because even though they thought she was crazy, she was saner than the Queen was.

All of a sudden, while Snow White was dancing around with a rag on her head and gazing into the newly cleaned well, she heard a very manly voice from behind her.

"Hello, I'm the Prince. I'm also a certified cradle robber, as I'm 37 and you're like 11 years old. You're a little funny looking and your skin is ridiculously white. Are you well?"

Snow White stood flabbergasted. She had never seen one of these 'men' before and was far too young and naive to know anything about cradle robbing. She knew she must beat the Prince savagely for some reason, yet she didn't. (Are you following this? I couldn't either. Shannon doesn't know what she's talking about half the time...) Back to the plot. (What plot?) Oh goodness. As I was saying, Snow White stood with her tongue hanging out of her mouth, a large puddle of drool accumulating, and she found herself wanting a bra. She didn't know what a bra was, but she wanted one.

The Prince was a little disgusted with the braless, lifeless 11 year old girl who was drooling unstoppably on his brand new shoes. She smiled and he noticed that she had incredibly crooked teeth, some of which were still missing. He really began to feel sorry for her when he heard chanting from the upstairs window. He poked Snow White to make sure she was still alive, and instantly she began to scream hysterically and run around the courtyard with her rag. Without warning, Snow White ran into the castle and peered out from behind a curtain as seductively as an 11 year old can, batting her eyelashes and waving her rag in inappropriate places in hopes of enticing the Prince. Obviously she took after her father's side of the family.

"This child is obviously disturbed," concluded the Prince, pushing aside his somewhat attraction for the pre-teen. "I'll be back to help you get out of here!" he called to her.

Snow White smiled, smoothed her shabby excuse for a dress, and threw her rag to the Prince. Coincidently, her dress WAS her rag. The Prince grabbed the dress/rag and eyed it disgustedly before mounting his horse and getting the hell out of there.

Snow White ran through the hallways buck naked and ran right past her "mother's room." The Queen looked up from reading the latest issue of _'Psychos Monthly'_ and gasped. "Heavens! She's getting a figure. I must do something about this!" She ran to consult her mirror, who told her to have a few shots of Tequila and sniff and entire bottle of glue. When the Queen finally came around again, she asked her mirror, who she swears looks exactly like Bob Marley, "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, is Snow White the grooviest of them all?"

"You're phat my Queen, this much is true, but since Snow White got her groove on, she's groovier than you"

The Queen proceeded to freak out. "What shall I do?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? You must get someone to cut out her heart so you can put it on display!"

The Queen was doubtful, but dared not to disrespect the mirror. She called her young lackey, Bob. and sent him off with a knife and a box of special chocolates. Bob lured Snow White from the castle by telling her they were going antique shopping. Snow White found the nearest ball gown and hopped into it, following him.

They frolicked in the forest for hours before Bob became really irritated with Snow White. He feed her chocolates until she became intoxicated, and surprisingly, Snow White looked really pretty when she was drunk. Bob felt sorry for her, but remembered the Queen's orders. He threw a stick into the forest and told her to fetch it. She chased after it hurriedly, leaving Bob alone. He picked up a rock and brought it back to the palace, convincing the Queen that it was Snow White's heart. The Queen, being high, drunk, and just plain stupid, believed young Bob, and dramatically overpaid him for his services. She then began to laugh manically for no reason.

Snow White, however, who was very out of shape on a count of the chocolates, and could no longer run to find the stick. She decided to stop looking for it, since she was in heels and drunk and everything. She convinced herself that the trees were grabbing at her and that the furry critters were trying to help her. In fact, the trees were trying to eat her and the animals found this hysterical, which is why they followed after her. She heard a gunshot in the distance and a voice cry, "MOTHER!", but she was too drunk to complain about Bambi being in her story and stumbled on.

Luckily, she came upon a dirty old love shack. She trespassed and decided that she needed to spruce things up. She thought everything looked too tacky and called in Trading Spaces. Within hours, the love shack was transformed into Hildie's new monstrosity of lilacs. Five minutes after the crew left, she ordered a pizza and shoved it in the oven . She went upstairs and fell asleep in one of the seven extra king sized beds that the Trading Spaces crew had made from scratch.

Later that night, "Hi Ho" was heard throughout the forest as the seven little pimps returned home from their weekend romps to find their love shack was now a monstrosity of lilacs. They ran upstairs to find that everything in their bedroom had changed. Fillmore, the mute pimp, walked over to his bed to find it already occupied.

"Oh snap!" cried one of the pimps. "Fillmore's gonna get laid!"

The rest of them gathered around the bed when Snow White woke up. The pimps screamed. Snow White screamed. The pimps screamed. Snow White screamed. They all screamed at one another for minutes on end. The seven pimps finally looked at one another.

"Did you bring her?"

"Did you?"

"Wasn't me!"

"Where did she come from?"

"Did she follow us?"

"Where are her teeth? Stop her from smiling!"

Fillmore began to do his victory dance, as it was the first time in a long time someone was in his bed.

Snow White, highly confused, stood up and said, "I made a pizza. It's in the oven" All seven pimps, including Fillmore, ran to the kitchen to investigate.

"Damn, woman! You think we stupid! We can tell it's Domino's, fool"

Snow White followed them downstairs. "Now, now. No pizza until you've cleaned up." She began handing out 12-Step packets and asked them to take a seat. "Now, the first step to recovery is admitting that there's a problem..."

_...Cut to the Castle..._

The Queen, who had been staring at the rock for hours, eventually tried to eat it, but found out it wasn't a heart when her jaw shattered. After popping a cap in Bob's ass, she ran down to her secret lab and conjured up a potion. She drank it and immediately turned into a dirty old man. She ran back to the mirror and Bob Marley handed her some poisonous incense sticks. The Queen/Man threw them into a basket and hobbled off towards Snow White.

_...Cut to Lilac House..._

_After the 12-Step plan failed_ to work, Snow White let them eat the baking creation she had formerly claimed as her own. They then introduced her to their pimp-tastic party styles and threw a wild Welcome to the Hood party for Snow White. They climbed out of bed the next morning with hangovers and realized they had to get to their corners, so they said goodbye to Snow White and went off. Snow White decided to have a bake-a-thon with herself and made "special" brownies all day. She remembered the special white powder her "mother" had been so fond of and was about to get some when there was a knock at the door. She opened it and the dirty old man flashed her.

"Oh my ..." Snow White smiled.

"Hello, how about a nice stick of incense?"

"Why thank you very much," she said, grabbing the stick and shoving the door on his face. She broke the stick in half and shoved one end up each nostril, falling to the ground instantly.

The seven pimps came home that night to find the dirty old man dancing around their house while laughing manically. They took their canes and began tobeat him.

"Wait!" cried one of the pimps. Sure enough, the dirty old man turned back into the Queen.

"Hey, let's sell her as a whore!" another cried. They all raced back into town to sell the Queen and returned to the house with new bling around their necks.

They went inside the house and saw Snow White dead on the floor. They stepped over her and headed straight for her brownies. After there were no one brownies left and they were as high as a kite, they decided to put her in a wooden box and throw it into the forest, as they were in enough trouble with the law already.

_Three years later..._

One morning, the Prince, long since forgotten by the readers, was out looking for buried treasure when he stumbled upon a rather large wooden box. He pried it open, thinking it was the treasure chest, only to find a rotting corpse. He felt the need to kiss it for some reason, as all Princes must kiss dead and/or sleeping girls. Immediately, the corpse rose and turned into Snow White. During the three years she was under the magical incense spell, she had menstruated, grown boobs, and all her teeth had grown in and become straight. The Prince was in love and dragged Snow White unwillingly off into the sunset.

At their wedding, the seven little pimps showed up to sing their moving rap rendition of "Someday Your Bitch Will Come".

**The End**


End file.
